Maximus Rantus

I’m not sure that anyone has ever pulled off the maxi-skirt..or even if they have managed to look half decent in it, there’s always been a bit of me thinking that I’d prefer to see their legs, maybe I’m actually a misogynist (pause for thought) but really I do think that firstly maxis look good on the tall leggy type (not stunted and dwarfish like myself) but that is immediately followed up by, if you are genetically blessed in that area, why wouldn’t you have your cracking pins out all the time?

I hate long skirts. I mean really loathe them. They make my flesh creep. Not physically – that would be weird – but psychologically I could get quite worked up. Wearing one in 1911, or 1711, or any of the past 2,990 years when the big news in fashion was that skirts were floor-sweeping, again, I understand. To shroud three-fifths of your body in one when you have the choice not to – that’s got to be contrary.  Also if you are 5 foot, five inches or shorter then really anything floor-length or sometimes even ankle grazing, can just shrink you to Borrower height.  However it has not escaped my notice that for the past few years there has been a creeping maxi-misation in the dress department, especially during the warmer months, even Nicole Richie appears to turn into a sub-species of Mama Cass in maxidresses.  I have yet to own a maxi dress but maybe I should ease myself in gently with a maxi-skirt...

But which one? The new maxi is meant to hang slouchily off the hips – the non-lung-threatening equivalent of a ciggie dangling from your lips, perhaps. It mustn’t be tiered, floaty or reminiscent in any way of Woodstock or your old Geography teacher. It mustn’t make you feel like a surrendered wife. Cheap, clingy fabrics are also bad as they accessorise the bumps thus negating the cover up factor.  Taking these into account, this narrowed the field by about 98 per cent.  After beginning to hyperventilate in Selfridges I remembered I already owned a beautiful black fine knit vintage maxi-skirt, although I’d never worn it as a maxi because to my mind, it worked so much better as a strapless dress so I elbow rammed my way back down into the Tube and home!

Next challenge: what to do with it? (Cue lots of fiddling about in front of the bathroom mirror and turning bedroom into a bombsite).   American Vogue puts them with jackets, shirts – whatever you’d wear with a shorter skirt.  I am unconvinced by this. In reality, anything too formal above the waist looks peculiar and rather 19^th century. Keeping it simple – a good T-shirt, a slouchy boyfriend cardigan, a nice belt and some slightly odd sandals to remind everyone that you’re not Nanny McPhee – seems to do the trick.  Also I think accessories are important as my beautiful and incredibly stylish friend Anna taught me (when I refused to wear anything but studs in my ears) a good pair of earrings can transform a look.

Maybe maxis can even be seen as liberating – from fake tans, high heels (long skirts look wrong with most of them), the “Do my legs look like sausages in this?” dilemma…

I can’t see them catching on when you’ve got a serious appointment in the boardroom or a hot date, but Lisa Armstrong at the Times said that they’re perfect, “on those mornings when it’s not quite cold enough to wear thick black tights, but not sufficiently tropical to go bare-legged, the maxi may have something.”  Well dear, I say, don’t wear thick black tights, wear opaque..even leggings! In fact, trousers, to be fair, have the same something, but sometimes you can’t face yet another day in jeans, so go wild and embrace the chino as a Spring/ Summer alternative.

American Vogue, by the way, has tried to give the maxi skirt a swishy modern feel by announcing that the new way with skirts is to wear long during the day, short at night.  This put thoughts of Bucks Fizz into my mind, leaping out of the office after a hard day’s slog and ripping the bottom part of my skirt off to signify partaaaaaay time. No thanks. 

Is it me? I mean I know La Moss can pull of pretty much anything..but I remain convinced that full length is not the best look for anyone..

 The skinny black maxi shirt as favoured by Nicole Ritchie, looking a lot less like Mama Cass than last Summer it must be acknowledged..

 And finally Mary Kate Olsen, giving her own spin on Morticia Adams style. Case closed.

Slacks in the City

Slacks or khakis as they’re known..have for me been long associated with various toffs trotting along the Kings Road with their collars up or with rugby boys playing the ‘Iron Stomach’ (don’t ask) in my old university Union. They provided that wonderful middle ground on the minefield of ‘smart casual’. Boys tend to go slightly pale around gills when they hear that particular dress code and with good reason..smart jeans can look a bit media-type, cords anytime other the Autumn/Winter are going to cook you alive and linen trousers are slightly ‘Man from Del Monte’. However as our season drags its way into Summer I’m starting to think that maybe slacks/ khakis/chinos have potential... and not just for you chaps out there.

Ladies, there was that fleeting flirtation that the fash pack had that combats were cool again (puhlease) but I think the chino look maybe a winner.. From the lovely range of pastel colours in Uniqlo for both sexes to ASOS’s high waisted chinos in pale pink, mint and lavender to the classic Gap slim cut variety, they’re kind of perfect for channelling that Hamptons vibe on this side of the pond. Lighter weight than jeans and..if styled correctly can either be humorously preppy or Shoreditch chic, give them a go. Deck shoes optional.

For a quick lesson in sartorial Upper East side elegance, there's only one man for the job..

No..You're eyes are not deceiving you, he's working the traditional chino with a red tailcoat.

It takes a brave man to work lemon, purple and a pink and blue combo shirt but he's certainly working it.

Chuck felt it was time to spread the gospel of the chino to the next generation...

Getting Carried Away

Wow, hold onto your corsages, it’s almost time for SATC 2!! There is a part of me that thinks if they’re pouring all this money into making huuuge Summer blockbuster movies, couldn’t the bods at HBO just fund another series? Seriously I think the writing gets a bit lost in the all the hype not that I won’t be jumping on the elaborate pink bandwagon when the time comes of course. I have to say though..and feel free to shoot me....but I think Patricia Field may be losing her touch. While SJP can pull of pretty much anything with aplomb (errr remember the Juicy Couture towelling boob tube dress in the Heather Graham episode), the others are starting to look a little try hard. I know I haven’t seen the film yet but other than the fact that there is a whole lot of harem pant/ gold jewellery/ kaftan action going on when the hit their mystery exotic location, I got a very distinct Priscilla, Queen of the Desert vibe and ‘drag queen’ unless you actually are one, is not a good look.

In the meantime there are so many more stylish movies we can have a drool and seek some style inspiration from. Though tempted to write about A Single Man again, I already wittered enough about it for the next decade, so here a few of my most fashion fabulous films (and not a harem pant in sight).

Gone with the Wind, 1939

Vivien Leigh’s Southern-belle accent was slightly wonky, but the graceful way she wore her antebellum wardrobe was impeccable. The scene in which Mammy harnesses Scarlett’s waist down to 18in inspired generations of sadistic fashion designers but, fiddle-dee-dee, we can’t help loving those Walter Plunkett designed ballgowns. Nor could the women of 1939 — the film launched numerous GWTW-inspired collections in stores across the world and continues to cast a crinolined shadow on the catwalks. She even pulled it off when she wore a dress made out of curtains to charm Mr Rhett Butler.

Top Hat, 1935

Ginger Rogers – what a gal. Not only could she dance, but unlike many of her Hollywood peers she wore clothes beautifully. The jodhpur ensemble near the start still looks sexy today. Thank goodness our heroine stood her ground when Fred Astaire kvetched that the feathers on her grand finale frock were moulting all over his tux (moral:never take fashion advice from a man wearing more make-up than you). Fred later sent her a gold feather in acknowledgment.

The Royal Tenenbaums, 2001

Gwyneth was peerlessly preppy in the Talented Mr Ripley but here, well, here she was interesting. Margot Tenenbaum is a panda-eyed, chain-smoking child prodigy who is both spectacularly insecure and breathtakingly attired. In her ragged furs and that Lacoste tennis tress Margot is trapped, but extremely gracefully so, in a fictional version of Grey Gardens . Great soundtrack too.

Funny Face, 1957

Yes, yes, Breakfast at Tiffany’s – we know. The way she wears that little black dress. And the way she transforms even George Peppard into a must-have accessory. But as well as featuring great fashion, Funny Face is about fashion, too – Maggie Prescott is Diana Vreeland to Dick Avery’s Cecil Beaton. Hepburn, meanwhile, is perfect.

Bonnie and Clyde, 1967

Bonnie Parker’s main accessory, aside from her gun and Clyde Barrow, was a series of killer hats. Her beret and silk scarf combination is as legendary as it is simple, and the beribboned fedoras she wore on several heists gave her a sense of propriety in improper circumstances. Bonnie’s clothes flipped between neat two-piece skirt suits that were deceivingly modest and button-through slips. Whatever the crime, her blonde bob stayed unruffled. 

Grey Gardens, 1975

The 2009 HBO feature film scored a golden globe for Drew Barrymore, as the eccentric, patrician Little Edie Beale, a cousin of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy. But it was the original documentary, showing Little Edie and her equally whacky mother Big Edie in the decaying squalor of their Hamptons mansion that kicked started the Grey Gardens cult , spawning many a fashion acolyte, including the Olsen twins. Broke they may have been but those Beales were dressing eclectic when John Galliano was still in short-trousers.