Bikini Bleurgh

"Bond girls follow a fairly well-developed pattern of beauty. They possess splendid figures and tend to dress in a slightly masculine, assertive fashion, with few pieces of jewelery and that in a masculine cut, wide leather belts, and square-toed leather shoes. They often sport light though noticeable sun-tans, and they generally use little or no makeup and no fingernail or toenail polish, also wearing their nails short." —O.F. Snelling, author of Double O Seven, James Bond, A Report.


Now according to that description people, I don't have too much to worry about. OK.."splendid figure" might be pushing it and I loathe wearing shoes on holiday but I never bother painting my toes or fingernails as I have the co-ordination of a blind toddler and I suppose my holiday clothes are a bit masculine and square cut, though I am a fan of the sun dress and especially the kaftan by the pool. I've even got the light tan covered.

Have to say, not entirely sure Kate is working the Bond girl look here..

The one issue that presents itself summer over summer is the bikini problem. Bond girls don't appear to have issues with this (albeit that might be because they have a mammoth hair and make-up department at their disposal and probably had a personal trainer for a few months) but I'm going to go on a group holiday and I feel I should invest in a new one. Gulp. Psychologically one has to pick the right moment to bikini shop. Get it wrong and you'll feel like a whale squeezing into a tube of smarties, get it right and you're essentially Hedi Klum.  Also I resent spending a large amount of money on something that'll get seen for about three weeks of the year MAX. On top of all of this, I am petite but top heavy, this rules out buying any sets and limits me to separates.  Grrrr.

In character..very Bond

Still looking pretty fab...even in real life

Am I alone in my bikini hell or do you struggle as well? I have no problem buying my clothes online (thank you ASOS and net-a-porter) but for some reason I don't want to buy my bikinis in cyberspace. I really need to try them on.  Where should I go?  My sole comfort is that really, once one is actually on holiday does it matter so much? Any help gratefully received.